What are you hungry for?
I wake up every morning with that sick knot of regret in my belly. I’m bloated, groggy, and already have a headache. I spend the first few moments of my day recounting the night before, trying to gauge whether it was really that bad, or if I was kind of well-behaved. It’s usually really that bad.
I have trouble getting out of bed because my back hurts so much. Getting dressed is just as bad. All I’m thinking about is how much I ate, trying to piece together the details in my foggy memory.
The night before, I came home from work hungry, stressed, and exhausted. So I had a few drinks. Then I gave myself permission to eat. So I ate all night, and drank all night, and then went to bed.
Today, I have to compensate. I have a new plan. No carbs before 5pm. Maybe that will work. And if I run 3 miles when I get home, then maybe I’ll burn off part of what I ate last night. Yeah, I’m going to try that.
I spent many years -- a couple decades, even -- trapped in this prison. I wasn’t happy with my life, so I blamed my body. I wasn’t happy with my body, so I tried to control it. The more I tried to control everything, the more out of control I really was.
The absolute worst part about the whole thing was not knowing what was wrong, and having absolutely no clue what to do to fix it. It’s not a simple, clear answer, but the very first step was to start respecting myself, and feeding myself.
Bingeing is about numbing, and escaping, and punishment. Once you really start nourishing yourself, supporting your body, and exploring the meaningful aspects of life, you don’t need to binge anymore...you won’t want to binge anymore.
It’s not about trying to control yourself -- in fact, that’s what got you into this mess in the first place. Trying to control what you eat (and how much and when) is the primary reason you feel so out of control. You’re disconnected from your body, and food has become the enemy.
The eating is just a symptom. Try asking, “What do I really want?” and not be afraid of the answer. The real answer. Whether it’s food, love, respect, or a different job. A new husband, a completely different life, or a Cadbury Cream Egg.
Feed yourself, girl. Feed your body, and feed your mind, and feed your soul. I promise you that when you’re pursuing your dreams, and loving yourself, and taking care of your body, 40 Oreos will not seem that appealing anymore.
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"I so love your beautiful reframes and reflections – you make a difference – thank you!" -M