How to ruin a perfectly good Saturday
Wake up really early.
Force yourself to run 6 miles even though your body really hurts and you're exhausted.
Think about nothing but food and what to eat for the rest of the day.
Go to sleep hungry because you didn't have enough points left for dinner.
It's not easy to think back on those days when I was torturing myself mentally and physically. It was so much stress and so much pressure. I didn't know how to relax.
I remember my therapist asked me one time: "When do you ever just take a day off and veg?"
I had to keep myself under control. Stay vigilant.
The most painful thing for me to think about is how much my body was asking me to just rest, and eat, and relax, and I could not let myself do it. It's like my body was the enemy, and I couldn't let it "win."
It took me a long time to figure out how to have a nice, relaxing Saturday...Find the balance between the exhausting "grind" and the total couch potato binge-watching Netflix and eating nachos all day. It's hard to live in that grey area. To be flexible and compassionate with yourself.
I've been hearing a lot of questions lately about the "point" of Intuitive Eating. Why bother with it? Is it WORTH it?
In my mind, the whole "point" is freedom. The freedom to do what feels right for YOU. The freedom to rest if that's what you want to do, or eat enough so you're not starving all the time, or allow an injury to heal so you don't cause permanent damage to your joints.
The freedom to just live a happy and relaxed life, without always having to push yourself and deny your needs.
There's no right way to do this. No script to follow. It's sometimes messy and complicated and uncomfortable. But when I look back on the way I used to torture myself back when I was sure I needed to be skinny in order to be happy, there's no question I made the right decision.
I could not go back there if I wanted to. Now that I finally know how it feels to be calm and flexible, I would never willingly return to that self-made prison.
It's just not worth it.
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