Thank you, Binge.
I ate waaay too much. My stomach felt like it would explode. I was stiff and uncomfortable. I had a headache and felt miserable.
But there I sat, eating. Quickly.
I asked myself all the questions -- why am I doing this? Aren’t I full? Why am I still eating if my stomach hurts? Why am I wasting this expensive chocolate when I don’t even want it?
But I couldn’t stop.
I finally went to bed. Sick, exhausted, disappointed.
The next morning, the dull ache in my stomach reminded me -- oh, right...last night…
What happened? What had I been feeling?
Absolutely nothing. While it was happening, I had no emotion. Nothing was wrong. I wasn’t thinking about anything.
And that was exactly the point.
I use food to completely numb out. The discomfort in my body erases the emotional pain...temporarily.
So in the morning, I asked myself: What is going on? What painful thing am I trying to cope with right now? What is so awful that I couldn’t even face it last night?
And then I realized the thing. The big thing I had been avoiding. The big painful thing that was so uncomfortable for me that I had to completely numb myself to deal with it.
Thank you, beautiful mind, for giving me such a clear indication of emotional pain. Thank you for this big, unavoidable reminder that something in my life needs to be addressed. Thank you for the incredibly effective coping mechanism that I’ve developed to keep myself safe.
Thank you for letting me be able to wake up the next day and look at it...feel it...face it. Thank you for the insight and clarity I now have. Thank you for letting me understand how my binges help me.
Thank you for everything on this journey. Each lesson, each insight, each step forward. Thank you for letting me see the world with clear eyes and an open mind.
Thank you for helping me love myself. Thank you for a fresh start. Thank you for bringing me to this place, at this time, with these people, learning these lessons. Thank you for helping me show up to face these challenges with grace and humility.
Thank you for every single binge, and every single lesson, and every single accomplishment -- thank you for all of it.